


Time of Our Lives?

by UltimateOptimist



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Arguing, Exhaustion, Hurt/Comfort, Michael Clifford & Ashton Irwin Friendship, Michael Clifford & Calum Hood Friendship, Michael Clifford & Luke Hemmings Friendship, Sad Michael, Sounds Live Feels Live World Tour, Touring
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-30
Updated: 2018-03-04
Packaged: 2018-06-05 11:04:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6702184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UltimateOptimist/pseuds/UltimateOptimist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>5 Seconds of Summer are on top of the world and loving it....Except maybe one. Michael is finding it difficult to adjust in L.A, while his band mates love it. <br/>Or basically Michael is finding touring and new L.A. life difficult, which is made even harder as the boys don't quite understand or struggle with it. . How can he cope when the one place he's always felt like he belonged becomes a place he feels an outsider in?  Cue arguments, breakdowns and some cute moments too</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Going Home

**Author's Note:**

> Just a random plot bunny that entered my head as I procrastinate....let me know what you guys think...

Michael sighs and rubs his face as he walks off stage, allowing himself to drop the smile he’s plastered on his face the entire evening. That’s it the European leg is done, and it couldn’t have come sooner. Michael loves this job, but he is exhausted, and the boys are feeling the effects of spending 24/7 in each other’s pockets. He catches Calum’s eye and is quick to plaster his smile, his cheeks aching with the effort.

“I say we see what Germany has to offer” Ashton grins, wrapping his sweat arms around his shoulders. Michael sighs internally, after managing an average of 3 hours sleep a night for the past 2 weeks all he wanted to do is go back to the hotel and sleep, but he knows his bandmates will have none of it. Even Luke who’s voice is shot from constant overuse and cold. He knows he should, they’ll never finish this tour in Europe again, but right now he’s finding it difficult to be enthusiastic, so instead he nods and bites the inside of his cheek in frustration. 

Luke notices the tension in his shoulders, because he’s Luke. He walks up to his flatmate and rubs his shoulders, “I know you’re tired but it’ll be fun” he tries to reassure the blue-haired man, voice still hoarse and clearly sore. 

Michael doesn’t say anything, just nods and follows his three hyperactive band mates back to the bus. 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

In reflection waiting until the day they’re all due to fly back to L.A. was not the time to break the news that Michael wasn’t going with them. They’re all hungover, and exhausted, and Michael grimaces at the sudden chill factor in the room as soon as he makes his announcement. 

“What? But I thought we were all heading back to L.A to write?” Luke’s frustration is clear from where he sits on the hotel bed. 

He wanted to write more, they don’t have much of their next album written and truthfully he was looking forward to spending some days just the two of them like old times. He’s more frustrated at himself though, because deep down he knows he’s been a bit crap lately, his girlfriend taking time away from the pair and Michael spending a lot evenings alone or making himself scarce, is this why Michael wants to go home? It also didn’t help that their relationship had been a little strained at late, an occupational hazard of touring in each other’s pockets, but he didn’t think Michael was so annoyed that he would ditch them all to go home. 

Calum and Ashton stay silent, both watching the guitarist carefully as he draws his feet up on the hotel chair, some would see it as him getting comfortable but Calum knows Michael the best, and right now Michael is feeling defensive. He doesn’t say anything yet, knowing you have to be careful with the older man right now, or he’ll just shut down completely. The last thing they need is to start break on an argument. The kiwi can’t help but feel disappointed also, he was looking forward for the 4 of them to just hang out, without the stress of touring. He knew Michael had found the past few weeks tough, often withdrawing once they were off stage and spending long periods of time alone. He also knew that Michael found L.A difficult to live in at times. He found the excessive amounts of socialising and the constant invasion of privacy uncomfortable, the pair had yet to discuss it as Calum loved L.A. he loved the apartment, the lifestyle everything making it difficult for him to broach the subject with his oldest friend. 

Michael continues to stare at his feet, not sure what to say. His head aches from all the alcohol last night, and he really can’t face an argument right now. He wanted to tell the boys earlier, that he wouldn’t be coming back to L.A after this leg of the tour, but he’d be going home instead back to Sydney and come back just in time to start rehearsals and start the North American leg. He’d decided days ago, but he wasn’t sure how to bring up the subject with everything going on and he knew the lads were keen to record more, write more, and hang out with their L.A. friends. Truthfully Michael wasn’t sure he liked living there, it was busy, full of music people, people they just had to meet and parties to attend – right now after months on the road that sounded like the last thing Michael wanted to be doing. He just wanted a few quiet weeks with his family. The boys had all been a little short with each other of late, and Michael couldn’t bare much more of it. 

“We’ve already written some stuff” Michael mumbles to the floor, clearly it was a mistake waiting this long to tell them, but he knew it wouldn’t go down particularly well, and since he decided one of them always seemed in a mood, or unwell. He can feel anxiety ripple in his chest, it feels like an elephant is sat on him. He shifts in the chair, and tries really hard to take a deep breath and fight his fight or flight response  
.   
“Mike we need to try and write more though” Ashton states softly, trying to make his point in a nicer way then Luke. “We agreed on this, we have studio time booked now, for all of us this is a group effort.” His rubbing his head in equal parts of frustration and bewilderment, not really seeing this coming. 

“We have studios and guest writers booked...It’s just unprofessional” Luke continues to point out unhelpfully. 

“Luke....” Calum states with a warning tone, picturing what is about to happen.

“Oh like you can talk.” Michael snaps back, sick of this. He’s exhausted, hungover and just fed up. He just wants a break, he wants to go home and be Michael, not Michael Clifford the popstar. He’s frustrated to, because he feels like an outsider in his own group, because they all love L.A. and call it home now, and he just doesn’t. Australia is always home, and always will be.

“How professional is it to turn up late to a soundcheck with fans waiting?” He raises his eyes to meet Luke’s, anger clearly present. 

“Mike don’t...” Ashton warns just as Luke opens his mouth, knowing this won’t end well. Arzaylea is a particularly touchy subject with the singer right now, and they all had this argument then. 

“Ash stop defending him ok?!” Michael stands up gesturing wildly, fuming that the drummer is so quick to defend Luke after all he said at the time, yet seems against him having a break at home.  
“So letting fans down is allowed but I can’t have time off? I’ve wrote, I’ve wrote tons, only we didn’t use a lot of them because they didn’t fit the tone of band” Michael continues, glaring at the drummer, months of repressed thoughts spilling out, “use them. I want to go home ok? I want to be back in Australia it’s two weeks. I’ll write at home ok? You guys can hang out and party...John agreed to it” Michael deflates after his outbust, quickly sitting back down and curling into himself, reminding himself to breathe through the panic currently rising within him, he really didn’t think it would be this much of a big deal. 

Calum frowns, he knew Michael had been hurt with just how many songs had been rejected from their last album. The truth Michael’s songs were some of the best, but they were reflecting rather dark thoughts, not suiting the tone of the album. The older man had taken it on the chin, and had conceded the point, but Calum knew how much that must of hurt, because Michael is finally beginning to accept the darker parts of himself, and feels brave enough to share and it must have seemed that everyone was quick to dismiss it. While Calum agreed with everyone at the label, and the boys, he can’t help but kick himself for pushing the topic when Michael refused to talk about it. For someone who doubts himself as much as his best friend the timing and decision was probably not all that helpful. He had tried to broach the subject with the man, but he’d typically deflected and made light of the situation, Calum knows now if he didn’t before that he should have pushed a little harder. 

“Is this what this is about? Acting like a baby about something that happened months ago?!” Luke stands up, clearly angry now after that comment. His girlfriend/possible ex-girlfriend is a no-go topic right now. 

“What would the golden boy know about it? You all just. ....you know what forget it” Michael sighs knowing that line of argument would be completely unhelpful. He really is beginning to struggle to , control the rising panic and the sting of tears. He hates arguing, and he hates that his friends don’t seem to understand. He bites his lip to ground himself, “I’m flying back today alright? Sorry” He stands up suddenly, needing to be alone. “See you guys” he mumbles bolting out the room.

“I’m going to see if he’s alright” Calum sighs, standing up and jogging after him.

“That was unhelpful” Ashton sighs looking at Luke, who is still clearly furious. He’s still processing what exactly had just happened, and how a relaxed hungover morning has turned into arguments and changes of plans. 

“Shut up Ashton” he snaps, leaving the room. 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“Mike! Mike wait up” Calum all but runs down the corridor to catch up with the guitarist. 

“Cal just leave it alright” he mumbles, refusing to slow down or even look at the Kiwi. He can feel tears prick his eyes and he bites his lip, determined not to let them fall. 

“Hey i just want to make sure you’re alright.” Calum states softly, as if talking to a spooked animal. Michael stops and turns to look at his longest friend, hurt and exhaustion clearly visible. Calum swallows back the shock when he notices the tears, really concerned now because Michael never cries. Calum can count the number of times his best friend has cried in the 12 years he has known him on one hand. The guitarist must be really out of sorts. He quickly closes the gap between the pair, and squeezes his shoulders, aching to give him a hug. He knows that would be unhelpful, and in all probability make Michael loose the composure he’s so desperately clinging too. 

“If you need to go home go home ok? It doesn’t matter about the rest of it, we’re all just disappointed because we can’t all hang out and relax together.” Calum states softly, needing Michael to believe him. 

“Ok, Look Cal I need to go, they’re waiting downstairs” Michael sighs, not exactly sure what’s just happened and feeling awful about snapping at Luke, and suddenly doubting his decision to go home. It’s too late to back down now, and he really does just want some time to himself, time he won’t get in L.A. 

“Go home rest up ok? Text me when you land ok?” Calum smiles reassuringly, squeezing his shoulder.

Michael gives him a nod and a tired smile.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things just seem to be getting worse......

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry it's taken me so long real life is getting in the way.   
> Hopefully this is worth the wait......

Chapter 2 

Michael sighs as he gets ready to get off the plane in LAX. He’s got his snapback pulled low over his face, and his sunglasses are in the top pocket of his shirt ready for when he gets outside. The band are reuniting today for rehearsals, and if he doesn’t hurry he is going to be late for their first practice. To be honest two weeks was a short time to travel all the way back to Sydney, but it was worth it. He spent days catching up on sleep, and relaxing talking to his parents and a few old friends he still has. It was great not to be spotted, not to constantly be on guard or be pressurised into another party of another gathering. It was nice not to spend endless amounts of time alone while the band met girlfriends, new friends, partied. Even being back in LA makes his chest tighten and his stomach knot. It hurts, because the band is where he’s always felt he belonged, with his three best friends, but it all just doesn’t feel the same these days - with them all loving L.A. and he just goes along with it all, not hating it all the time but not exactly enjoying himself either. He’s nervous about being back here, and nervous about meeting his band mates who he hasn’t spoken to in two weeks – the longest time they’ve ever gone without talking. The plane door opens and he quickly leaves the plane, head down to avoid being spotted.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“Where is he?” Ashton asks for the 5th time, checking his phone to find that Michael is now 30 minutes late and hasn’t called. 

“He’s back right?” Turning to face Luke. Truthfully the drummer felt a little guilty, because he hadn’t really spoken to the guitarist much over the break. Ashton wanted to give the younger man some space, and time to clear his head. Ashton would like to say that was the only reason he hadn’t spoken much to him, but truthfully he was too busy partying, trying to work things out with Bryana, and recording to do much of anything else. Now his arrival was imminent Ashton had regretted not talking to the guitarist properly, the drummer had noticed how withdrawn the younger man had become over the past few weeks of tour, wanting to spend time in his hotel room alone rather than being with the boys, but he thought he was just tired. Hopefully some time away to regroup and rest would help. Ashton couldn’t help but think a few more reassuring words from his best friends would have helped. 

Luke shrugs, looking a little sheepish, “I uh....I wasn’t at home last night but he said he was landing late last night, and would meet us here.” Luke had calmed down about the argument now, but also hadn’t been in touch with the older man, just answering the two group whatsapp messages Michael had sent. Luke had tried to ring his flatmate as soon as he’d landed but Karen had answered, clearly Michael didn’t want to be disturbed so Luke left it for later then had forgotten about it. Luke had also been enjoying the LA life too. 

“Have either of you even spoken to him over break?” Calum asks, a little irritated as it seems the boys only knew what Michael had said days ago in the group chat. “He couldn’t get on that flight, he took the next one which meant he landed this morning” he looked up from his bass, addressing the two other men. 

“Oh....I’ll ring him then” Luke responds, not sure what to make of Calum’s tone, or the fact he didn’t know that, especially as the pair live together. Why hadn’t Michael called him to say? Or texted him? He also felt guilty, because despite being pissed off, he should have contacted him too, or at least made sure he was home last night so the older man didn’t come back to an empty apartment. Ashton says nothing but looks a little deflated while Calum just returns to his bass.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“Sorry the flight got delayed” Michael apologises as soon as he enters the room, still carrying his luggage and looking both exhausted and frazzled. Calum notices that for someone who had been supposed to be relaxing at home, Michael didn’t look particularly well rested or relaxed. 

“And you couldn’t call because?” Ashton asks, extremely irritated as they’ve been in the rehearsal room for an hour without doing a thing, it’s hard to practice when you’re lead guitarist is missing. The drummer is also a little angry at himself and it makes his tone even more stern.

Calum frowns as Michael looks completely startled, as if he hadn’t even thought of calling or using his phone, “I...I left it my suitcase....haven’t been using it much” Michael explains, looking extremely apologetic. It’s true as well, some days over break he hasn’t even turned it on, he just needed some time to switch off, in fact he hadn’t had it switched on for days now. Besides it wasn’t like anyone was desperate to talk to him. 

Luke also frowns at that, selfishly feeling a little better that Michael hadn’t just ignored his call earlier. Despite the relief he feels, the blonde isn’t sure if he likes the idea of his friend completely cutting himself off from the world. He knows Michael finds being in the band both the best and most exhausting thing. He hates it when Michael does this, shuts himself out of the world, and makes a note to ask him about things when the pair are alone. Hopefully tonight if he doesn’t pass out from jetlag as soon as they both get back to their apartment. The pair really need to clear the air. 

“Sorry” Michael apologies again, setting his bags down and grabbing his guitar out of his case, “I’m here let’s go.” He insists, not meeting any of his band mates eyes. He can’t believe he’s pissed them all off already and he’s only been back minutes. He really is just useless, he takes a breath to steady the rising guilt and panic and concentrates on plugging in his amp. While doing so he misses the concerned glances from Calum and Luke as they watch his hands shake trying to manipulate the wires. 

Ashton’s irritation overrides any other thoughts, “We’ve got some time to make up so let’s go” he announces, settling himself behind his drum kit. 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“Good job guys, beer?” Calum grins setting down his bass after the final song. 

“I have plans” Ashton looks somewhat apologetic as he shrugs on his jacket, but he’d promised he’d meet Bryana tonight. It would have been nice though, for some band bonding now they’re all a little more relaxed from not spending 24/7 with each other. The tension between him and Michael quickly disintegrated through practice and rude jokes as the hours wore on. 

Calum rolls his eyes and turns to face, “Mike? Luke? Pretty sure Roy and co are in town” 

Michael’s barely listening, too busy packing up his stuff. He’s desperate to get back and try and sleep. He didn’t actually sleep on the flight, so he’s been up for over 24 hours and all he wants is his bed, if his brain can shut off enough to let him sleep. 

“I’m up for it” Luke shrugs, checking his phone.

“Mike?” Ashton prompts again as the man doesn’t offer an answer, still packing up his stuff.

“What?” Michael asks, looking up so quick Ashton wonders if it was painful.

“Beer?” Calum prompts. Michael hesitates, because all he wants to do is sleep, and he knows that Beer means a bar, which means things will escalate into either a big night of partying, or big groups of people.

Luke senses his mood, “How about a night in?” He asks, “probably should be resting up before tour.” He adds.

“Sorry Cal but I’ve been up for over 24 hours” Michael apologies, shooting a grateful look at Luke.

“Fine, I’m heading out though. See you guys tomorrow” Calum heads out, knowing the his best friend is in good hands. 

“You didn’t sleep on the flight?” Luke asks casually as the pair exit the room.

Michael just shrugs, it’s not like his inability to sleep has caused him to be up this long, although lately he hasn’t really spoke about it to his friends, and the boys well they haven’t asked. 

“Let’s just get back” Michael sighs, not wanting to call the apartment they live in home. 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“Fancy Pizza?” Luke asks as he drops his keys onto the kitchen counter. 

“Yeah” Michael automatically agrees, already heading to his bedroom. He’s been silent the entire ride home, under the guise of listening to the radio in the car, Luke knows better though. Michael’s body posture screams defensive, and it’s clear that the argument they had 2 weeks ago was still preying on the guitarist’s mind.

“Look Mike” Luke starts, deciding it’s easier just clean the air now, Michael freezes and turns around, looking at him with mild confusion. “ I’m sorry about what I said before break, you had every right to go home....I was just being a dick about it because I was in a mood already.” 

Michael looks mildly surprised at the apology, clearly not expecting it. He nods, and takes a minute to think about what he’s about to say next. He’s surprised but grateful for the apology, but he can’t help but be a little hurt that Luke has made no apology for the other things he said, because being told he was being spiteful over ignored songs stung. Now Michael is reminded of it, it stings all the bit more. 

“Thanks, I uh....I should have said earlier that I was going home” Michael replies, purposefully not apologising for bringing up the Japan incident because for him that’s still something he things was wrong. Belatedly he realises that Luke not mentioning bringing up the songs probably means he still agrees that Michael was acting out of spite – and Michael feels his stomach clench at that.

Luke waves it off, “forget it, how about a pizza and some playstation?” He offers as a peace offering.

Michael nods with a smile, as tired as he is he appreciates the olive branch. He hates being at odds with the boys, luckily it doesn’t seem to happen too often. 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“How was home?” Luke finally asks as the pair settle on the sofa, controller in hands. 

“It was good” Michael tries to sound enthusiastic, he did enjoy being at home but it felt odd too. He knew his parents were concerned, that he turned up looking utterly exhausted, and answered their questions about tour in short sentences filled with painfully fake enthusiasm. Luke seems to buys it though, nodding with a smile. 

“I’m glad you had a good time Mikey.” He says sincerely, because while it might have messed up the band’s plans he’s pleased Michael got to go home to relax.

The boys are playing for an hour or so before Luke’s phone beeps. Michael pauses the game and watches as Luke reads intently. Michael gets a sinking feeling when he notices the smile on his face, because clearly Luke has a better offer of company tonight.

“Anything important?” He asks, standing up and walking to their kitchen, it’s easier to hide the hurt and frustration when he isn’t looking at his friend. 

“Uh just...no” Luke shrugs, clearly trying to stall – he’s either thinking of a way to break it Michael, or he’s seriously considering staying in. Michael’s hopes are quickly dashed when Luke sighs, and opens his mouth again. Clearly Luke is thinking the former, Michael really didn’t want to be alone tonight.

“Just there’s a few people getting together later...” Luke begins, somewhat hopefully, “Think Arzaylea’s going and we need to talk through things.” 

Michael nods, knowing this would happen. “You should go” He replies quickly, pulling out a bottle of water and trying to sound nonchlanant about it.

“You could come too” Luke frowns, turning round to face his friend. 

“Nah it’s ok I’m just going to sleep,” Michael shrugs, “Jet-lag.”

Luke hesitates but nods. He tried.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Later that night Michael’s curled up on the sofa in their apartment. He’s watching an old film he’s not sure exactly what it is. He can’t sleep again. He managed 3 hours before being wide awake again, his head aches, and his brain feels fuzzy but he just can’t sleep no matter how much he wants to.

The apartment feels so big, and he feels so small, so insignificant as he lies under his duvet on the sofa. He could call one of the boys, it’s not that late in L.A. but he doesn’t want to interrupt anyone’s plans. Instead he curls into himself a little more and stares blankly at the T.V.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“Mike you ready?” Luke asks pulling on his shoes with one hand as he texts with the other. It’s the final night before they go on tour, so Calum and Ashton agreed to have drinks at their apartment for a send off. 

Michael’s been in the bathroom for the past 40 minutes, and he hasn’t even gotten in the shower yet. Instead he’s sitting on the bathroom floor, trying to motivate himself to shower and get dressed. He really doesn’t want to go, and he’s not even sure he wants to tour anymore. The past week things haven’t got much better, he’s still not sleeping well, though the previous night he’d managed a full night but he’s pretty sure he just passed out from exhaustion. He doesn’t want to go, he doesn’t, but he knows he hasn’t got an excuse not to.

“Uh....” Michael shouts back through the door, his head feels foggy with exhaustion, he can't even think of an excuse.

“Mike?” Luke replies, heading over and knocking on the door. He pushes it open and raises his eyebrows as he spots the blue haired man sitting on the tile, clearly not showered or ready.

“What are you doing? We’re leaving in 10?” Luke asks, frustrated. He hates being late.

Michael’s brain can’t formulate any type of response. He literally has no excuse other then he just doesn’t want to go.

“Mike C’mon, you need to get dressed.” Luke pushes. If he hadn’t been so eager to leave, and so frustrated at Michael’s slowness he would have paused and realised that this wasn’t quite like Michael, and his best friend look exhausted. 

"Sorry, look just go, I'll catch you later on" Michael promises, needing a little more time to put his game face on. 

Luke sighs and shakes his head. 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Michael forces a smile as he nods to the various people squeezed into Calum and Ashton’s apartment. It had been a tense ride over with Luke, who in the end decided to wait for him and be late. The blonde is clearly unhappy about it, and left the guitarist as soon as he spotted the first person he knew at the party. Michael pushed back his hurt feelings, that Luke just assumed he was being his lazy self and grabbed a drink. They’ve been here all of an hour and Michael is already needing a bit of air, he's seen Calum and Ashton briefly, but each time he tries to talk to them they're either in a big group, or nowhere to be seen. He now can’t seem to get outside, because every time he moves someone else intercepts him and pulls him into conversation. He’s trying to desperately swallow back the crushing feeling of claustrophobia and panic of just needing to escape as he smiles and pushes through more and more people, some he swears he’s never seen before, but talk to him like they're long lost friends. 

“Hey Mike” Bryana smiles as she spots him, smile wide and eyes sparkling. Michael smiles back despite his mood, he really appreciates Ashton’s taste in women, and she’s lovely to boot.

“Hey Bri, you enjoying yourself?” Michael asks, taking a sip of his fourth or fifth beer. He really needs to slow down.

The pair talk for a while, catching up on recent exploits since Michael hasn’t really seen her since before tour started. Michael’s trying to concentrate, he really is but there suddenly seems like there’s too many people in this room and it’s putting him on edge. He nods blankly at a story she's telling. 

“Hey two of my favourite humans” Ashton grins, coming up and wrapping his arms over the pairs shoulders. Despite himself Michael squirms at the unwelcome, stifling contact. Ashton doesn’t notice, because he’s clearly had a few beers himself. 

“Mike you should come talk to a few of my friends” Bryana continues, eyes glinting mischeviously. Michael sighs, really not having the energy and he’s really sick of everyone’s obsession to get him a girlfriend.

“Really I’m ok... You know I’m going to go find Cal....” Michael tries to excuse himself.

“Aw but you’ll like them, they’re great” Bryana pushes.

"Bri thanks but..."Michael smiles tightly.

"Mike seriously they're great, and you spend so much time alone these days" Bryana states harmlessly. She really doesn't mean anything by it, and if Michael hadn't spent a week not-sleeping and feeling on edge he would have deflected with a joke and politely excused himself. Instead he bristles, and replies with "I don't need a matchmaker, I can look after myself...thanks but I'm fine." His tone sounds awful even to his own ears and he can feel Ashton tense up as soon as the words leave his mouth. Shit.

“Mike” Ashton warns, eyes flashing. 

“Sorry Bry....” Michael mumbles, even though the model is already reassuring him everything is fine and looking horrified at the thought of upsetting and insulting the guitarist. 

Michael ducks his head and forces his way outside. Grateful for the peace. Unfortunately he isn’t alone, his rather annoyed bandmate has come to join him.

“What the hell was that?” Ashton asks increndously. “That was rude, she’s just trying to help, and now she's upset.”

Michael should just apologise, he knows that, but he’s also extremely irritated – he doesn’t need help meeting girls.

“I don’t need the help! It's patronising to hear all the time Ash!” He exclaims just as angrily, “I don’t want the help ok.....”

“She’s trying to be nice, you could do the same...” Ashton snaps back, already over the conversation. He glares at the younger man and stalks back inside.

Michael sighs and leans against the wall, enjoying the silence. Despite the bodies who have come to join him outside, he can’t help but feel woefully alone yet again. 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“Where did you even go last night? I was calling you” Calum asks as the 4 meet at L.A.X, ready to fly to Chicago to start their tour. Ashton and Luke watch the two silently, clearly intrigued to know where their guitarist went. Calum sounds mildly irritated, but mainly concerned. Michael isn't sure what he'd prefer his best friend to be. 

“Uh...cut-out early” Michael shrugs, trying to act nonchalant. After managing to piss off both Luke and Ashton Michael decided he better head back early. 

“Had a better offer?” Luke jokes, trying to lighten the mood, he could feel a weird tension between Michael and Ashton, it was putting him on edge. 

“You get lucky?” Calum asks, eyes suddenly twinkling with mischief. Michael had to bite his lip to stop himself snapping or rolling his eyes.

“Something like that, I’m going for coffee” Michael sighs, missing the frown on the Kiwi’s face. Ashton frowns but shrugs. 

“Well he is in a pissy mood, I’m going to go look around the duty free” he sighs, it being too early to deal with his band mates shit. 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
The flight to Italy is a quiet one. Ashton and Calum decide to split up, each wanting a window seat and Michael hesitates as he heads down the aisle. It’s not even a big decision, but he feels the anxiety rise as he tries to decide who would be better to sit next to. If he chooses Calum, then the younger man will try and pry a little, probably want to talk but Ashton is probably still a bit pissed at him, will he be even more pissed if he doesn’t sit next to him will it make things even tenser?

Luke’s hand rests on his shoulder, startling him out of his thoughts. 

“Alright? “He asks, wondering why Michael is literally just standing in the middle of the aisle. 

“Eh yeah, just trying to think who’ll snore more” Michael deflects, the decision made for him as Luke is clearly heading to sit next to Calum. 

Both Ashton and Calum indignantly shout, “well not me.” 

Michael sighs and takes his seat, already pulling out his headphones. Ashton is still obviously unimpressed about last night, the drummer nods his head at Michael, before turning back to his phone. Michael wants to apologise again but he has a lump in his throat and his stomach is twisted in knots. He doesn’t think he can do anything but concentrate on breathing right now. Instead he tries to make himself comfortable and settles in to his seat.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The pressure just keeps building

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry this has taken so long - I'm not sure I wanted to keep writing but for now the plot bunny is there so...here's another chapter if you're all still interested.

Of course there’s a ton of fans in Italy. There’s tons of fans everywhere and the wall of noise hits Michael as soon as they enter the airport. He tries not to tense at the noise, plasters a smile on his face that he wishes was genuine, and bites the inside of his lip to stop an impending breakdown. He immediately lets the others take the lead, practically hiding behind Luke as the 4 begin to sign things for fans. Ashton and Calum have charged off in front, their mood buoyed by the fans allowing them to forget the fatigue niggling at their bones. 

“We love you Michael” a girl giggles, holding her friends hand tightly. Despite his mood, and the anxiety he feels he can’t help but smile genuinely at that. He immediately feels guilty, for resenting the fans who allow him to live this life, who they all write these songs for, and the self hate he feels increases that little bit more. He bites the side of his cheek, and begins to chat to the pair on autopilot, desperately trying to follow their conversation but his mind is buzzing from all the activity around him. The fact he’s stopped is noticed by several other girls, and before he knows it he’s surrounded.

He signs things until his hands ache, determined to make up for his shitty mood, for his failure as a band mate and friend. In his frenzy he loses track of where the other boys are. Until Luke comes over and rests a hand on his shoulder.

“Mike we need to go” He interrupts with an apologetic smile to the fans in front of him. Instantly the fans back down, despite the evident disappointment in their faces. Luke can’t help but feel concerned that Michael seemed so lost in his own little world – the 4 are normally determined to stick together in airports to make things easier, and safer for their security. 

Michael startles slightly, looking up from the paper he’s signing, and nods. He apologises to the fans and follows the tall blonde. 

“You alright?” Luke asked as nonchalant as possible as the pair rush through to get to the cars. Being a little out of it can be normal after a long flight, especially after a night of partying, god knows Luke is feeling far from 100% himself, however Michael seems to be completely out of it. Working on autopilot.

“Long flight” Michael sighs, rubbing at his eyes, not specifically telling Luke he didn’t sleep but the dark circles tell him everything. Luke wraps an arm around his shoulders, “Let’s get to the hotel.”

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“C’mon we’re going exploring” Ashton announces as he storms into Luke and Michael’s room. They’ve only been at the hotel for an hour or so, and the oldest is already out to make the most of their evening free. Tomorrow is full of gig preparation and a few interviews before the 4 move on to the next city. 

Michael’s lying on his bed, not asleep but not exactly awake. He just looks blankly at the blonde, desperately thinking of an excuse. He can’t he just can’t.

“Ash C’mon” Luke sighs as he steps out the bathroom. “I want to sleep, shower, eat...give us a couple of hours first”

“Mate this is our last free night for weeks....weeks. I want to see Italy!” Ashton exclaims, jumping onto Michael’s bed.

Michael says nothing, just closes his eyes, praying to the universe to give him strength. It hasn’t escaped his attention that the blonde has yet to address him directly, barely making eye contact and he tries really hard to ignore the pang in his stomach at that. The drummer is standing on his bed, and yet the two couldn't be further apart, and it makes his stomach twist. He knows some of this is on him, there's a part of him that hopes, that knows if he'd tell the boys how he feels they'd be more understanding. But there's just this nagging thought at the back of his mind - what if they don't understand? What if they think Michael's just some ungrateful, lazy brat who is weighing them all down. He can't loose his 3 best friends. He can't. 

“It’ll still be there in a couple of hours” Luke argues back, his eyes linger on his silent bandmate. 

“Some of us are tired Ash” he looks pointedly at the oldest.

Ashton eyes widen slightly, understanding instantly. He instantly feels a little guilty. He know’s he’s been off with Michael, well for a while. Truth is he feels as if Michael’s heart hasn’t been in it lately, since they came of the previous tour Michael has gradually pulled further and further away from them. Then they began writing again living in LA and Michael seems to be retreating further into himself. The oldest is worried, but he’s also frustrated because sometimes it’s like the guitarist doesn’t try to help himself, or let himself enjoy LA. It’s been hard to keep everyone included and everything fun lately. Then Michael’s songs were rejected, he bailed on rehearsal and writing time to go home...it’s like he has just given up. Last night just compounded the anger, Brianna was just trying to be nice and there was no need for his words or tone. He’s starting to wonder if this isn’t Michael being pissy, or fed up but maybe there’s something else going on. Something he should pry into, though the guitarist is notoriously difficult to get to open up. 

“You ok over there Mikey?” Ashton asks quietly, and Michael would roll his eyes if he had the energy to open them again in the first place. The pair have never been subtle and he can sense the silent conversation going on to his right.

“Just peachy” he mumbles back sarcastically.

“Michael...”Ashton begins and Michael can tell it’s a lecture, or a prying question to follow, he instantly sits up and stands.

“M’going to shower, then sleep” he interrupts, refusing to have this conversation. Honestly he’s a little irritated that the pair were so angry at him for last night, even though he clearly did not want to go to the party, but he went. Then so pissy with him on the flight that they play the concerned friends now. Just because once again, he doesn’t want to go out, he refuses to be persuaded tonight. He doesn’t even pause to let the pair say another word.

“He’s being a dick” Ashton sighs, trying hard not to get frustrated. It’s difficult though, when everyone else wants to enjoy themselves, and Michael is being so withdrawn.

“We’re all being dicks, I wasn’t exactly nice to him last night....or at the apartment much” Luke admits, biting on his lip. Ashton sighs, feeling a pang of guilt himself, though says nothing. “Look we’ve got a long tour ahead and we’re tired let’s just sleep for a little bit then see where tonight takes us” Luke rationalises.

Ashton nods, “When did you become such a grown up?” he sighs, sitting down on Michael's now vacated bed.

Luke responds by throwing a pillow at the eldest’s face. 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“You sure you ok being here by yourself?” Luke asks for the third time as he does his hair in the mirror. It’s been a few hours and now Luke’s slept he wants to explore a bit too, maybe find a nice bar.

“You know you’ve asked that 3 different ways” Michael mumbles back, his eyes still closed. He feels awful, there’s a pounding in his head which he knows is caused by lack of sleep, the 2 hours he’s managed so far today is nothing to replace the last few weeks or so, since he got back from Australia he is yet to have a full 8 hours of interrupted sleep. After having a shower Michael managed two hours before waking up, restless his eyes burning. Not wanting to disturb Luke he went up to the rooftop bar, which was blistfully empty, grabbed a water and sat for a few hours. When he came down Luke was already in the shower, and whilst the blonde hasn't asked how long he'd managed to sleep he kept throwing concerned side-eyed glances whenever he thought Michael wasn't looking. 

“and yet you still haven’t answered the question” Luke pushes.

“I’ll be fine, just going to sleep” Michael reassures him. “I’m just tired Luke” he adds quietly, trying to swallow back the sudden lump in his throat. He is tired, of so many things. He prays Luke didn’t hear the catch in his voice.

It appears the youngest hasn’t, he’s still faffing on with his hair. Michael doesn't know whether to cry out of relief or despair. The pair stay silent for a while, the silence not uncomfortable but not as at ease as normal.

“Look about last night, I’m sorry I was a dick about the party” Luke begins, “I shouldn’t have made you go, it’s just...well we don’t really hang out much anymore.” Luke adds quietly, and Michael can hear the sadness in his voice.

Michael really wants to argue, argue that most of the time it’s Luke who seems to be busy, have plans that usually take him out of the apartment. But he just can’t bring himself to say it. Besides it’s not his fault that Luke has other friends, a girlfriend, Luke loves the LA lifestyle and he just doesn’t. He can't help but feel irked that Luke seems to think this is about the party - when it isn't not really, and while they can all get a little agitated about the small things, that Luke would think that's really why he's been so quiet. Michael feels as if he's drowning, and he can't quite seem to work out whether the others don't see it, or just don't want to see it. 

“Yeah me too” he says instead. Luke looks over and smiles, and Michael knows it’s forgotten. Despite his mood, he can’t help but feel as if a weight’s been lifted. He hates being at odds with any one of the 3.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm back with a chapter or two before this is all done :)   
> Thanks for all the reviews - let me know what you think

Chapter 4 

The temporary lift doesn’t last long. Michael actually slept well but he wakes up at 5am and he’s still exhausted. It’s still a solid 8 hours, which is a lot more then he has been getting, almost 4 times as much but the idea of getting up, interviews, performing...even talking to his band mates just sounds exhausting. He can’t explain how he feels, it’s as if he just wants to spend a day or so not existing to anyone, to just have some time alone. He should ring home, he’s barely been in touch with his parents since they left for tour, texting most of the time because he’s not sure he could handle hearing their voices right now. 

He looks over and sees Luke fast asleep, sprawled across the bed. He sighs, knowing that he is now wide awake. He has a sudden urge to be outside, the hotel room seems suffocating, he’d love a coffee but the idea of walking outside, seeing anyone, talking to anyone just made his insides clench. Instead he drags himself out of bed, and opens the balcony doors. To enjoy some peace.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“You coming down?” Luke asks, stepping out onto the balcony.

Michael jumps, he’s not sure how long he’s been out for, but he clearly its been a while. 

“Erm, no not really that hungry” Michael shrugs, not wanting to turn to look at the blonde, the anxiety he feels at seeing the crew, his bandmates, the noise, the set up for the day is making his stomach roil. He just wants to sit, sit still in the quiet – not spend the day like a performing monkey.

Luke stays silent, but Michael can feel the concerned stare and frown burning a hole in his neck. 

“It’s just...it’s nice here...quiet” Michael sighs quietly, playing with his bracelets. Trying to remember to breathe.

Luke just nods, then realises the guitarist can’t see him. He finds himself at a loss at what to say to the guitarist, it feels odd, not knowing what to say to his best friend.  
“Ok well I’ll bring you up some toast or something” he mumbles not waiting to hear a reply.

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“So then....” Ashton giggles, “Oh hey Luke” he stops his conversation with Calum.

“Where’s Mike?” The bassist asks.

“Out on the balcony” Luke shrugs, trying to act nonchalant but Calum can see he’s concerned.

“We’ve got a busy day today” Ashton frowns, clearly unimpressed at the prospect of dealing with a moody Michael today.

“He’s fine, he’s just quiet, tired I think” Luke instantly defends the absent member. Calum grimaces, wondering just how much the guitarist is sleeping currently.   
Ashton shares a look with Calum, clearly doubtful. The 3 sigh, not sure what to do about their 4th member.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“Sleeping beauty joins us” Ashton grins as Michael enters the van. The 3 found their moods buoyed over breakfast, each making a conscious effort to be upbeat today – they’re jet-lagged, tired but they are living their dream. The drummer decided quietly over breakfast to make an effort with the younger man today – while Michael hasn’t been easy to get along with lately, well Ashton hasn’t either. 

Michael forces a smile – it makes his cheeks hurt, but the other 3 seem to buy it. 

“Eat.” Luke shoves toast that he’s wrapped in napkins in his hand. Michael nods a thanks, trying hard to not wince at the thought, and decides he has to choke it down no matter what.

“Let’s do this” Calum grins as the driver turns the radio up and pulls away.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Michael’s hands shake as he shakes the interviewers hand. That’s it. It’s done. The boys have spent most of today in a room, doing interview after interview. He’s not really sure what he’s said in any of them, all a blur of fake laughs, smiles, and nonsense. But the job is done, all he wants to do is crawl back into his room but the guys are off to soundcheck, meet and greet then a show. 

“Why don’t we do a film night tonight, beers, room service?” Ashton suggests as the 4 stand. 

Michael grimaces, all he wants to do sleep after the show. 

“Guys there’s a fair few fans building up outside” Their security advises, “let’s get you guys in the van.” 

“C’mon lets go we can plan it in the car,” Ashton smiles, leaving no real room for argument. 

Michael tries not to flinch at the sound of the screams hit his ears, the noise making his head spin. 

He allows himself to be ushered off into the van. 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Michael pulls out his inner ears and gratefully takes the towel being wrapped around his shoulders by their tour manager. Another one down, and he hates himself for not soaking up the atmosphere but rather mentally ticking off the songs, mentally ticking off another tour show down.

“I will never get bored of that” Calum grins vibrating with energy next to him. 

“Best job ever” he finds himself agreeing on autopilot, the smile so fake it makes his cheeks hurt but it clearly reassures his best friend because the Kiwi continues to grin. 

Michael sighs, knowing he has to make it through another full day tomorrow, before their off day.....

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“Where is he?” Ashton demands to no-one in particular as they sit in the van, waiting to head to the venue for more interviews and sound check. Its been a week ago since Italy, the boys beginning to get to the point where they are unsure just where they are in the world. Calum thinks it’s Spain. The guitarist seemed to rally himself in the past few days, joining them on band activities albeit a little more subdued then normal but managing to appear for breakfast, on-time and joining in. Clearly the past week has been too good to be true as the second oldest has now returned to old habits.

“Give him a minute, he answered when I knocked,” Luke defends his usual roommate. The band have been staying in separate rooms the past week, always needing a couple weeks of break from sharing rooms. Luke had knocked 20 minutes ago to make sure the blonde was up and functioning. The blonde hadn’t even answered the door, just shouted through the door, Luke feels an awful sense of foreboding that he is probably not even out of bed. 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Turns out the youngest is right – Michael sighs, looking blankly at the wall. He needs to get up. He has to get up, he’s pretty sure he’s now officially late but he just can’t bring himself to get out of bed. He’s not even hungover – sure they had gone to some club after last night’s show, but Michael couldn’t bring himself to get completely wasted he was scared what he might say if he did. He is exhausted, even if he is sleeping better, it’s a different type of exhaustion, one which feels like it coats his bones in lead, that makes his skin crawl and headache with just....existing. Deep down he knows he needs to tell someone this, just how much he is struggling, but he doesn’t want to be the burden of the band. He checks his phone, realising he is now officially 10 minutes late, and sighs, dragging himself out of bed and pulling on the top shirt and jeans in his suitcase, he sticks a cap on, not bothering to shower or attempt to style his hair. The worst part is he doesn’t care, about any of it.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 

“What took you?” Calum frowned as the blonde finally appeared. 

Michael feels a spike of panic as his brain goes blank – he doesn’t have an excuse. He looks to all his bandmates, none look very happy. Before he can answer their tour manager appears and whisks them briskly into the waiting van. Michael keeps his head low to avoid the glares being sent his way. 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“Mike c’mon” Luke groans as the guitarist misses his cue for the third time that sound-check. It’s not been a great morning, on top of being late to an interview, of which Michael was pretty much silent throughout the entire thing, they are now late in finishing sound-check because Micheal can’t seem to play his guitar today.

Michael sighs, rubbing his eyes, “Sorry, sorry” he replies breathing through the panic. It’s like his hand has grown two sizes, and they’re performing in less than 3 hours – he needs to get it together, and fast. 

“What’s up with you today?” Calum asks quietly, handing him a bottle of water. His eyes are searching his best friends face, knowing something isn’t right – something hasn’t been for a long time. At first the younger man was just really concerned but he’s starting to get a little frustrated at how his bandmate is behaving. 

“Nothing, I’m just....” Michael trials off, not quite knowing what to say, “It’s nothing” 

Ashton watches despite the anger he has been feeling towards the younger man lately, he can’t help but be concerned, but he’s not really sure what to do next.....


End file.
